I’ve Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match, What a Catch, What a Catch

I’ve Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match, What a Catch, What a Catch

I know it’s bad when I stop eating.
It’s all about control
and I don’t feel I have it
over anything.
except for what I take in
to this body,
this gift from God,
I torture to find some sense of peace.

The answers I get
are short and brittle.
if I could sink my teeth in to bite them,
the pieces would cut
the insides of my mouth.
which hasn’t felt anything but liquid for days.
they would tear up my insides,
the part that counts.
but they may not be as beautiful
as I once thought it was.

I am not as kind as I claim to be.
I can be cruel.
if there was intention to be
it would make no difference.

mistakes happen
and I hold myself accountable for each one.
I run down the list I keep.
I think of blood
but not of my own.

what have I become?
or has this been a secret part of myself
that I would rather die than to keep?

—–

Title is from the song What a Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy.

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The Nightmare of Footsteps Past

The Nightmare of Footsteps Past

I’m sleeping. The blankets are wrapped around me. I am warm and safe in my home.

I’m awake. The room is dark, mostly. The light from the alarm clock and a small part in the curtains lets in enough light to cut through some of the darkness. A silhouette I know stands beside the bed. Something is wrong, my brain tells me to run, but my heart says there is no reason to be afraid. I ask what’s wrong. Heavy, ragged breathing is his response.

A red neon danger sign appears on the wall above his head, weak at first, then glowing so bright I think the tubes will burst. His eyes are different. They’re empty, cold, calculating. All of the feeling runs out of my body. I know what is about to happen and I’m paralyzed. I pray: no God, please, no, not this.

He draws closer, no hesitation in his footsteps. Sure of himself, of his place, and of what belongs to him. I, unable to move, stare at the neon sign. I think about my mother and sister. They are statistics and I will be yet another.

Pain shoots through my arm as he pins it. He knows my weakness and uses it. But this pain is nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I will remember this and hide my weaknesses so that no one else can use them. I will be a closed book. At the moment, I have been opened, forcefully.

Pleas have no meaning here. The word no, a gurgling in my throat. He heaves and grunts. It lasts sixty seconds at most and then I am left alone.

The shower starts and I wake up. I’m afraid, as if it has happened all over again. Reliving an event I cannot change. I cannot tell you how many times I have had this dream or how many times it has kept me from sleeping. I can’t describe the need I feel to shower after having it. I have countless showers because of it, but haven’t had to for over a year. I am comforted when I reach out next to me. I am safe. It didn’t just happen, it is the past. I long to stop having this dream, to forget it ever happened, to let it go. How does one let go of something that was taken from you? Something that you can’t ever get back?

A part of me died that night. I have buried it, but not deep enough. How far must I dig? How long will I have this dream? I don’t know. I’ll just take it one day at a time. That’s all that I can do, I suppose.

_____

I never intended to write this but here it is. Writing can be brutally painful, as this was, but it can be beneficial to expose yourself to that pain. Purging is good for the soul. Hopefully it is in this case.

Highlights of my week

Highlights of my week

Here were the highlights of my week.

*Beating Gears of War 4. I wish there was another one already.

*Although I didn’t get the promotion, coming home to a lovely bouquet of tulips and a card made it better. Thank you again, Nelson.

*Scheduling an appointment for my next tattoo. I still have to figure out where to put it.

*Being asked to help with level three tech support during tax season.

*Nelson’s excitement over the sound of his new strings on Lou.

*Nelson completing the song he wrote for me. It’s beautiful, I hope he shares it with all of you some day.

*Seeing my kiddo’s face on Christmas morning. Giving to someone you love is the best feeling in the world.

*Watching Breaking Bad. It’s such a good show. I know I’m behind on the times but I always am. It’s part of my charm.

*Unwrapping a present that has been sitting in my dining room since July. My grandmother divided her fine China between the granddaughters. This year I received 6 cups and saucers. There are five more years of gifts she had planned in advance. It made me sad but happy to receive them. They are beautiful. I’m too clumsy to use them so I need to find a safe place to keep them.

Those were the highlights of my week. I want to encourage everyone to make their own, whether you share it or not. It helps put things into perspective for me and I think it would for a lot of people out there. With the bad there is always good. Hope you all have a fantastic week!

Impending ( )

Impending ( )

It creeps up my spine and rests against my shoulders. It moves slow, curling up in the hollow between bones.

I make a wish, then fight the arch my back has become. I shout that I, yes I, am enough.

I breathe in and feel its weight shift. Sharp claws leave thin lines down the center of my breasts.

There it sits, patient and familiar. Ready for the moment to make its escape.