Highlights of My Week

Highlights of My Week

Here are the highlights of my week:

*Having my son tell me I’m the best and most awesome mom in the world.

*Testing out a new brand of colored pencils a buddy/co-worker brought in because he thought I would like them better. I LOVED THEM. I must own my own set. I’ve never felt a colored pencil that smooth before. For those that are interested the are Prisma colored pencils, a bit pricey, but totally worth every penny.

*Writing the training material for work. For those that don’t know, I do tech support for a tax software company. I have to write some of the training for taxes. I completed my first assignment in about a day, which is amazing time wise, and I got great feedback on the content and exercises I made up. I also managed to complete two other modules this week, and made a Job-Aid for training that is now going to be used in each Federal return type. Felt good about that.

*My mom is in town for a visit. I will spend Monday-Thursday with her this coming week. She leaves on Friday. I love when she is here. She does so much when she is here. It’s nice to be able to relax. I have enjoyed her silliness and puns so far. She is an awesome lady, it’s so wonderful to have her here.

*Playing Borderlands 2. I really love that game and love it more each time I play.

*Listening to him talk to the guy at guitar center. Just hearing how much he wanted to learn, how excited he gets about it knocks me out.

*Seeing my son cuddle with my mom. Warms my heart.

Getting some things that belonged to my grandmother. Her and my relationship wasn’t a good one most of the time and I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to before she passed. Knowing she set aside things for me while she was alive, makes me realize that she did love me, even if she didn’t approve of the length of my hair or the color of it. I feel more at peace.

*Finding out my grandfather was the first man awarded the Medal of Honor in Punxsutawney, Pa, for his part in WWIi. He never talked about it while he was alive. No one in the family (besides my grandmother, I’m sure) knew.

*Looking at pictures of my friends and I when we were teenagers. Some of them made me sad, as some have passed away, or have ended up in jail, but they made me think of a lot of happy times too. I miss them all, terribly.

Those are the highlights of my week. What were yours?

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Even Your Emotions Have an Echo in so Much Space

Even Your Emotions Have an Echo in so Much Space

some of the bottom row
of my teeth fell out,
panic increasing with each one,
they fell into a plastic bucket

mutter of voices,
heart shouting:
no, no, no,
not another

seven is the number I counted,

also, the age of my son
who stood beside my bed
asking for water
interrupting my nightmare

I checked my mouth,
but didn’t feel at ease,
drink, tucked in,
back to bed

I try to find sleep
leaving space in the middle,
the room is hot,
fingers in my mouth,
feeling, feeling, feeling,
turning over

morning comes. according to google, Jung says:
change is coming, rebirth, and renewal.
self reflection, loss, and personal growth.

Freud says:
repressed sexual desires, a need to be nurtured, to lean on a support system,
but also loss and grief
internalized.

an unknown person recommends
to think of the positive
and the negative aspects.
to find those that resonate with you
and your life. whoever you are, you
don’t know me.

some fit better, because I feel small.
alone.
clenching my teeth in the mirror
checking, checking, checking,
to make sure everything is how it should be.
when it’s not.

and I do not recognize the face I see
in the looking glass.

——–

Title from the song Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.

On a Scale of One to Ten, How Happy Could You Be?

On a Scale of One to Ten, How Happy Could You Be?

I’ve never been one to lean into the wind,
but I’ll throw caution to it.
like a habit.
like you.

I fear heights but not because
I’m afraid of falling by accident.
it’s the falling on purpose
that scares me the most
and keeps me
from getting close to the edge.

those wires they put up
are nothing to me.
I’ve overcome bigger,
and the temptation is there.

I’d only have to lift my feet
one final time,
and let the wind
lean into me.

The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect

Here we go, another soul revealing confession post. You ready? Good. I may not be, but I’m going through with it anyway.

Certain time periods and areas of my life are painful, and some fill me with shame, guilt, or anger. The worst of those being anger. Shame and guilt I can handle, anger is one of the emotions I especially dislike feeling, because I don’t know how to process it. I rarely feel it and if I do, it feels unnatural to me. I’m not an angry person, I don’t like unnecessary confrontation, but do have a backbone. I’ve started walking away, asking for time to think when I’m mad, but I still say things I don’t mean or that are misunderstood. Anyway, that isn’t the purpose of this post, I’ll get to that in a bit.

I have two conditions: Fibromyalgia (Fibro) and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS or RSD). Both are painful, but there is a difference in the kind of pain. The Fibro makes me tired and causes an aching feeling in my joints, and in my body overall. The pain is intermittent, it comes and goes, some days it’s bad, some days it’s not. Fibro is not curable, and can be controlled with pain medication, getting enough sleep, and staying active. The CRPS is also not curable, and I wasn’t diagnosed for two years, which made the treatments that may have sent it into remission worthless. CRPS is a progressive disease and can spread to other areas of the body, and into internal organs, which terrifies me. It is a constant pain, on some days it burns, on others it is sharp or dull, or it can be a steady throbbing in the affected areas. As a weird plus, I can tell when it’s going to rain or snow, and I’m more accurate than any meteorologist on the planet (99.9999998% of the time I’m right). I’ve had CRPS for over twenty years now and manage it as best as I can with medication.

There is one type of treatment I have not been able to explore, but it would require going to New York once every three months. Being a single mom, with very little financial help from my son’s father, seeking this treatment is not something I can do financially. Also, arranging for my son to stay with his father when it’s not his designated weekend is typically a long process. So, that’s out. I’ll stick to the low level narcotics I’ve been taking, and eventually bite the bullet, and ask for something stronger when I absolutely need it. Doctors have become cynical about giving out medication, and to be honest, I don’t like feeling doped up. Narcotic abuse has become a problem to the point that the people who NEED them aren’t able to get them, because of substance abuse. That’s another topic, though, and I’m straying from the intention of this post.

Any type of trauma can cause CRPS to spread. I’m not supposed to get a sunburn, get a bug bite, get tattoos, do anything that could cause me to injure myself, or to have children (I’ve done all of this anyway, because fuck that). I have it in my left arm, my left knee, and have recently started to feel it in my right knee. No one knows much about it. All they know is that the nerves are somehow broken and send pain signals to the brain for no reason. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed, but I always do. I have to, I push through how I’m feeling, and do what needs to be done. I got that from my mother, that woman used her shoulder even though it hurt for months, then she found out that the muscle used to lift your shoulder had detached itself from the bone. The doctor told her she shouldn’t be able to move or lift her shoulder, but they don’t know my mother. She’s a remarkable lady. Those close to me know when I am having a bad day, but most people I come into contact with on a daily basis don’t know that I have it at all. When I was first diagnosed I was open about it, but people reacted with pity, and if there is one thing that I hate more than being lied to, it’s being fucking pitied. I would rather not talk about it, than have to see that look in their eye that screams “You poor thing”. It pisses me off, and as discussed earlier I don’t like being angry or getting involved in unnecessary confrontation. In order to avoid all of that, I just don’t tell people. It works, but it’s also hiding a part of myself that has made me the way that I am. I hope that makes sense, it does to me.

People can be assholes too, though. Looking at me, you would never know there is something wrong. I limp when I walk sometimes, I may hold my left arm to my side when I walk on bad days, but other than that I look normal. I got yelled at by a man in a parking lot once for using my handicapped placard. He embarrassed the hell out of me all because I didn’t “look” handicapped. A complete stranger accused me of taking someone else’s placard because I was “lazy”. I know he felt like an ass when I showed him my ID card stating that I was disabled, but he didn’t apologize, he just walked away as fast as he could. That guy was a dick, and was so wrong to do that, but I cried when I got home anyway.

Now to get to the real reason I’m writing this all down. My birthday is coming up, I’ll be 34 in 20 days. I’ve been thinking about what my greatest accomplishment has been so far in my life. Living with pain has certainly been one and was the first thing I thought of, but it’s not my biggest accomplishment. My biggest one is raising my son. He has been the greatest gift I have ever received, and is the greatest gift I can give to the world. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of raising him. He is kind, compassionate, curious, has a love and acceptance of people I’ve never seen in a seven year old, a tremendously big heart, and a willingness to help others. My greatest achievement is him, and while I could list off other things, when it comes down to it, the impact he can have on others is the biggest contribution that I can make to the world. He can impact so many, and hopefully his children will do the same. One person can impact millions. Think about that. That’s the message I’m trying to pass on here. That’s why I’m writing this all down. Be kind to one another, you never know what another person is going through. Looking at me, you wouldn’t know that I’m in pain, but I am and I still try like hell to be kind and grateful for each and every day that I’m alive.

Smile at strangers. Make funny faces at babies in the checkout line. Buy someone’s lunch when you are ahead of them in the drive through. Hold the door open for someone. Write an unexpected note to someone you care about. Shoot, send someone a message on tumblr expressing things you like about them or something you’ve noticed about them. It doesn’t take much, just a small effort, and in doing so maybe that person will do the same thing for someone else. Do something nice for no reason, without expecting anything in return. The simplest things are often the most effective. Kindness is easy. Go do it. You never know how much you can impact the world just by doing one small thing.

Anyway, if you’ve read all of this, thank you. It’s hard to talk about this, but I felt the message of kindess is an important one, especially now. Go out and try it, you never know how many people’s lives you can change for the better.

For those interested you can donate to CRPS research by clicking here. Each year when asked what I want for my birthday I tell them to make a small donation to RSDS.org or to the SPCA. If you do so, I promise I’ll pay it forward in some way.

Stay rad.

S.

The Choke of Longing

The Choke of Longing

wednesdayshambles:

I can’t sleep with all these
reminders of you.

Even the rain
is singing your name.

I need you to talk to me
louder, so your voice
drowns out the sound
of my heart pounding.

I need your hand on my chest,
to feel the power of my heartbeat
before it explodes.

I need your lips to rest on my neck
before your hands close
around it, and squeeze
the breath out of me
in soft strangled moans.

I would wave
the white flag
if it meant
you’d wave yours back.

You’ll be the death of me,
you cut deep into my heart
carving your name
leaving no room
to bear another.

I am lost,
fighting the battle I always said
I would, for you.

I can no longer speak
your name
it sends pinpricks
through every part of me
that loved you without ceasing.

I give up,
wrap those icy fingers
around my throat
kiss me one last time
before I go

______

Collaboration between giraffevader (standard text) and wednesdayshambles (italics).

You Have a Beautiful, Big Heart

You Have a Beautiful, Big Heart

“these things happen, sweetheart.
and I know you don’t feel it
right now, but you’ll heal,
and get back out there.
your heart is just so big,
and you fall so fast
and completely
that your head takes a while
to catch up.
you are not broken,
though your heart may be.
and God made your heart beautiful
and big for a reason.
just be more careful,
and don’t let people
use the space
of your heart
as a canvas
for their own design.“

I hear her
and say thank you
with a choking sensation
in my throat

I cannot change
the size of my heart,
but I can choose
who I will let in
to help me paint.